I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
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