why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
