My Higher Power is John Stamos
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
