I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
