my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
where are you?
Hypothermia
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I AM VODKA MAN
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
