its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
