I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Randomize
