is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
Randomize
