I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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