I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
