I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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