if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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