Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
