My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
she told me i tasted like america
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
