That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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