He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
