I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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