I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
