the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
