i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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