Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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