He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
