My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize
