Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Randomize
