i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
i need some magic done to my vagina
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
