You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
