Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
