I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
You took a bar mat shot.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
