i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
