you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
