My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
