Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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