; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Ill bet we could have atleast fucked a girl who fucked a guy who has fucked tara reid. That's a famous circle right?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
