When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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