I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
