I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
