There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
