Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
