you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I want to make a zoo with you.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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