you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
