He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
