There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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