I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
It's blow job season.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
