Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
