Pappa wants mamma naked
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
