I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
