I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
