i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Randomize
