i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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