Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
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