i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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