i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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