I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Someone stole a lamp last night.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Randomize
