Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
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