Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
