my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
