I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
